Yesterday, Sommerfield wrote the following to me in the Daily Support and Accountability Section, as I had shared about my own feelings of grief over having had cancer and gone through major surgery to remove it. I thought I'd give a response that might be shared and helpful to others. Here is what she said:

quote:

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Lucinda.. I'm thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed that all will be well. I think I understand a tiny little bit about what you've been doing with your emotions. A very good friend of mine got breast cancer.. the very fast growing kind and she had a double mastectomy and her lymph nodes removed as well as a long session of chemo. Anyway, she and I used to be really close and would tell each other anything. Since she got sick, she's pushed me.. and a lot of other people, away. I was hurt at first because I just wanted to be there to support her but I respected her wishes and didn't invade her space. It's been a year since she finished chemo and she has never torn down the wall she built around her. I don't know what to do about it either.. I want to just tear it down myself but wonder if it's up to me or her. It's very frustrating and confusing and our friendship has become very awkward and uncomfortable. Anyway, I wonder if she's going through the same thing you are!!! What would you want a friend to do? Sorry if this is so totally off topic but reading your post just set me thinking.

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Well, first off I want to say that you have already been a good and loving friend by allowing her to have the space she has needed. When you go through a traumatic experience of this nature, you go through a tremendous amount of grief.

There's grief over your life changing and almost ending due to the seriousness of cancer.

Then there's grief over the loss of parts of your body. Anyone that's ever gone through surgery and had anything, ANYTHING, removed from their body can understand this. Its very hard to put into words. Add to this the complexity of losing two breasts, parts of our body that help define us as women. One is left feeling a tremendous loss connected to personal identity.

There is grief over being left with scars and a changed body. It effects self-esteem. It causes one to feel less than a woman, less attractive, less sexy. If a woman is child bearing age, there is a loss of the mammary glands that provide nourishment to babies. Even if future pregnancies hadn't been planned, the finality of never again breast feeding a baby is a tremendous loss.

So you see, there is so much grief to deal with and its a very personal thing. Some people need to retreat for a time. I also think that in some cases its hard to relate to friends that were close BC (Before Cancer) because when you return to the relationship, you are changed and the other one is not. After all, how can someone possibly understand you and relate if they've never gone through the horror that you have?

Then there can also be a feeling of not wanting anyone to feel sorry for you for having gone through the ordeal you have passed through. Its kind of a paradox, you want people to relate and understand, but you also don't want pity. Some survivors say they just can't stand seeing a look of pity in the eyes of a loved one when they look at them. That's another thing that's very hard to put into words.

Sommerfield, I think that when it comes to you and your friend, you should try sending thoughtful cards or notes and let your friend know that you are still there and that you miss her. See if it opens the door. If she give you the opportunity to talk, let her know that you can't possibly understand everything that she's experienced but that you love her and miss her friendship. Just little steps, then take bigger ones when there's an opening. Ask her if you can bring a picnic lunch over for the two of you to share or ask her out for lunch when you have the opportunity. She might feel as awkward as you do, but since its weighing heavily on you maybe you should go ahead and break the ice. If I were her, I would be touched to have my friend be persistent. But if these suggestions don't help your situation, just remember that her grief is on her timeline and that it has nothing at all to do with you. She may have deeper issues that need to be taken to counseling. Maybe she is doing that already for all you know.

Most of all...pray for your friend to heal emotionally as well as physically. She needs that more than anything. I think she'll appreciate that you are still there for her and that you gave her time.

I hope this helps. Thanks for being such a kind and caring person, Summerfield. Please let me know how it goes.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: LRB_0754,

Lucinda, your reply helps more than you can know. You are so right.. it's up to me to take the first step now. I'm not the one who went through such a scary and emotional ordeal. I can try to relate and understand but until I've been through something similar I'll never succeed. I'm going to call my friend this very week and make plans to go someplace with her for lunch or just a walk. Thank you so much for helping me when you yourself are having a hard time. Also, I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to go into the "city" anymore than you have to.. I would LOVE to live in the boonies I was raised in the country and miss it a lot. Someday!! Again, thank you so much. I'm glad that your emotions have steadied a bit and that your feeling better. Good luck and God bless!

I'm glad that it helps, and also glad that you have decided to take the initiative to contact her. My bet is that she hasn't rejected you, she has just felt overwhelmed with fears and dealing with losses. I also wanted to say that some of what I shared comes from the fact that I have a close friend that lost a breast to cancer and she and I have the cancer connection, which has helped us bond to each other. She may pass more input through me to this thread too, as I've asked her if there's anything she'd like to comment on with regard to your questions. And certainly, if anyone else reading these posts has comments for the conversation I hope they feel welcome to post too.

God bless!